When a Friend Lets You Down
One of my favourite songs to sing at the moment is “My Old Friend The Blues” written by Steve Earle which has this heartfelt line of truth:
“Lovers and even friends will let you down…”
It’s impossible to go through life and have everybody do exactly the thing you wanted them to do all the time, to never fail you, to never let you down, to reach the standards to which you are holding them accountable. Especially without them knowing they’re your expectations.
And of course, at times we ourselves are the lovers and friends who are doing the letting down.
What do you do when you feel really let down by someone? What about when it might have been something that wasn’t their fault or there were unforeseeable circumstances but you still feel hurt? Do you tell your friend how you feel, with a few home truths that leak out at the same time? Warn other friends about them or just complain about them? Do you ignore them for a while and go #nocontact to express your discontent? Or cut them out of your life entirely forever?
A while ago, I was doing a special launch gig to celebrate the release of the first single from my new album collection and I’d invited everyone I know locally who might have been able to make it.
Even though I know to not take it personally if people can’t come to events, it’s easy to slip into believing you “don’t matter” when you’re not the priority. What’s interesting to me is that there was even a difference in my expectations for particular friends - Friend A “should” come, Friend B works out of the local area so it’s understandable that they don’t… I found myself feeling disproportionately disappointed that one friend didn’t come when they had said they would.
What’s the difference? Was it my expectation that they’d be there? Was it that they didn’t tell me? Was it that particular friendship dynamic?
Where’s the line between being understanding about last minute changes of circumstance and “feeling as if” you’re being taken for granted or not taken care of?
One of the major criticisms of forgiveness work is the fear of relinquishing boundaries or ending up reconciling with someone who is behaving in an unacceptable or detrimental way. We have to be discerning - we know what friendship means to us and what we will and won’t tolerate.
It’s also important to remember that forgiveness is not about reconciliation or restoring relationships - you can forgive someone fully, but still choose to not connect with them any more, or only in a limited way. You can forgive your ex and not go back into relationship with them.
The practice of forgiveness in friendship (and any relationship) is the best way of clearing the relational field between you - like wiping the slate clean every now and then, or taking out the trash. Things build up - the way they said “that thing” or the gift that wasn’t appreciated the way you hoped when you went to a lot of time and trouble to choose it, or not being invited to a dinner when you have mutual friends in common, or them giving unsolicited and unwelcome advice or them not coming to your gig…
I’m always really clear that forgiveness work is not about condoning unacceptable behaviour or saying something is OK with you when it isn’t or about putting up with anything that is unkind, detrimental or illegal.
Forgiveness is “the absolute refusal to hold ill will against someone for what they did or didn’t do.” (K Bradford Brown).
It’s an inner choice to not bear the grudge going forward. You’re the primary beneficiary of your forgiveness because you’re the one who releases the burden from your own mind and heart.
Of course you remember when someone has let you down. But you don’t have to hold it against that person for the rest of your lives.
It’s like using a white or blackboard for your “inner accounting” that can be wiped clean now and then rather than engraving peccadilloes in granite and then heaving the gravestone around with you forever in an effort to never let the same situation happen again.
Subconsciously, we’re keeping an account to protect ourselves from future harm: “I must remember to never let this happen again..” But when the scales have tipped against us because of something that somebody’s said or done (or not done) and it feels absolutely “unfair” we want to keep holding on until there’s some kind of adjustment that happens to make things right again.
So we hold out for wanting the other person to do that - either:
They apologise
They make amends
They promise to never do it again
or…
We somehow reclaim back what was lost
We “get even” by doing the same thing back to them (this is how wars perpetuate…)
Justice is “served”
I’ve recently been reflecting on this desire to “settle up” or to retaliate and will write a separate article about it in another blog.
When I’m coaching my clients to help them let go of their grievances and free themselves from resentment and the pain of the past, one of the things I’m always curious about is where they get stuck.
There are several main ways (besides the 5 major obstacles I outline in my book):
Not really understanding that you’re getting something out of holding the grievance. We use resentment as a way of protecting ourselves from feeling the grief and pain and vulnerability of disappointment in another. We can also use it as a way of defending our behaviour or as taking the moral high ground. I spend an entire chapter in my book Forgiveness Made Easy on these “payoffs” - the BENEFITS of holding on to our resentments. We like them. They can be fun, especially when we can get others into agreement with us. Everyone loves to be right… what’s not to like?
Not being in touch with the DOWNSIDES of holding onto the resentment - the costs of the grievance - again, this is subtle and challenging ground, and another chapter in my book. The costs of bearing grudges can impact all areas of our lives - the physical, mental, creative, our self-esteem and even our sleep.
Not following all the steps of the Forgiveness Made Easy process fully. Each one is necessary to become fully free.
Not challenging your beliefs around the way you think things SHOULD be.
This fourth snaferoo can be really significant. We make assumptions about the motives behind other people’s behaviour and never question them. Then we base our choices - what to do next - whether to stay friends or not - on unverified data.
In my gig example, I had beliefs like:
They should have come
Nothing should have prevented them
If they really cared about me they would have made the effort
This person is my flakiest friend
I’m stupid to put up with this behaviour
I’m weak
They’re taking advantage
I have to end our friendship
I’ll get hurt
They don’t deserve my friendship
What you can do in situations like these is to CHALLENGE your mind-talk. Most people don’t know that there are two different kinds of “voices” inside us - the Monkey Mind one - the Inner Critic, the Negative Self-Talk one as well as the “Still Small Voice” that tells you so quietly that you can barely hear it that your friend probably loves you just the same whether or not they come to your gig and that one missed gig is not worth sacrificing years of deep friendship.
Usually the Negative/Critical One is much louder and is wholly unable to see a different point of view. The Still Small Voice is the one who can listen and knows what’s aligned with your highest good - and recognises the Good the True and the Beautiful.
So here comes the PRACTICAL TOOL - the exercise you can do if you ever get let down:
Acknowledge your feelings - if you’re hurt and upset or angry or shut down - you are. That’s OK. Just notice where you’re at. Give yourself a moment to feel your feelings. They’re telling you something: to notice…
Then write down - just like I did above - all your mindtalk - just as it comes. Let the Monkey Mind disasterise. It probably won’t make sense, it’s going to sound a bit exaggerated and dramatic - that’s what the ego sounds like (and is why our movies, stories, plays and TV programmes are the way they are).
No editing. Just one line at a time. If you want to go deep, you can prompt yourself with a “and then…” or “If’ or “worst case is…” to go as deep as you can go. Sometimes this can be a profoundly revealing exercise in and of itself. You’ll end up somewhere like “I’m unlovable. I don’t matter. I’m too much or I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I may as well not exist.” That’s your bottom line. That’s also why someone not turning up to a gig feels like a big deal - because when you track it all the way down, you end up in an existential crisis. “They don’t come… I may as well not exist.” It’s not true. And the thing that breaks this spell is recognising that. Your mind is a drama queen / king. The reality is more sober. They didn’t come. You’re OK. Other people came. You matter. You’re enough.
Then go back over each line and enquire about its objective validity. You can ask “is this REALLY true? Is it actually false? Or is it something I don’t know or can’t know (like what someone else was thinking at the time - or what’s going to happen in the future?) Or ask “who would I be without this thought?” Be rigorous. Check out Byron Katie’s The Work for more on this truth-telling practice. This is probably one of the most useful things you can ever do for your mental and emotional health.
Then collect up all the GOLD - the Truth. Then based on that, decide what to do next.
If I were to do this for the above exercise - the Truth would be:
They should have come I invited them and they didn’t come.
Nothing should have prevented them They didn’t make it
If they really cared about me they would have made the effort I didn’t know why they didn’t come on the night because I was on stage at the time.
This person is my flakiest friend This person has been incredibly supportive as well as occasionally changed plans
I’m stupid to put up with this behaviour It was a gig. I’ve also dropped out of events or arrangements at short notice in the past.
I’m weak I can choose who I’m friends with and why.
They’re taking advantage They didn’t come to the gig & I was disappointed
I have to end our friendship I choose to stay friends and not hold this against this person
I’ll get hurt I don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe I will be hurt or disappointed again. I’ve been hurt in the past and survived.
They don’t deserve my friendship I choose to stay friends because I really love and care about this person and they, me.
Once you’ve told the truth, it’s easier to see that holding onto the grievance is both unnecessary and even a disproportionate response. So then you can make clear choices about what to do next. Like do your forgiveness work and clear your relational field so you can move on and not let this get in the way of your friendship. It was your expectation. It wasn’t met. You’re still OK. Still loveable, worthy and whole exactly as you are. And so is your friend.
If you have someone in your life that you know you’re carrying a grievance or resentment about, and you’d like to do something about it - to let it go - and you’d like a little support to do that - check out my upcoming Forgiveness Friday Masterclass - an experiential practice class where we do a little introductory preparation and then you will be guided through the whole of my 7-step Forgiveness Made Easy process - like having a “Peace Talk” with someone in your imagination. It’s powerful and transformational - so often, participants genuinely FEEL differently toward the other person. The class is 90 minutes and it’s like a spring-clean for your heart. Most people feel lighter afterwards.
“I have done lots of forgiveness work in relation to this person and this was by far the most intimate and transformational 🙏”
I offer a resentment-back guarantee if you don’t like the feeling of lightness, liberation and compassion that flows from your heart afterwards! And the weirdest thing is, sometimes the other person seems different, warmer, more connected even though they may know nothing at all about what you’ve done.